Filed under: advertisments, bullshit, fat, food, poop, what? | Tags: advertisment, bullshit, chef, fast food, food, humor, kentucky fried chicken, kfc
Have you seen these new commercials for KFC, where they show some wholesome, white-bread chick saying she’s the “chef in the kitchen” and that “there’s one in every restaurant”?? Have you seen this laughable bullshit?
I mean, come on KFC! Who are you trying to fool?? I’ve been to your ‘restaurant’ and I’ve eaten your shitty food. If you have one person in back that even speaks English, I’d be surprised. Let alone a “Chef” that knows how to do anything more than tie their own shoes. The most effort I’ve seen these “chefs” exhert is dropping some frozen chicken into a fryer, and screwing up my order.
And I got no problem with that. Just don’t lie to me about it.
I’m well aware that it’s an advertisement, and I also know that Axe Body Spray has lead to wild orgies in the shower (i’m still keeping my fingers crossed on that one), but come on! You’re KFC. A global fast food chain. You make 99 cent sandwiches and fake mashed potatoes. You also make me shit liquid for two days. (Not cool, btw)
So man up, accept what you are. You don’t see Burger King saying they got BBQ specialists making Whoppers in back, because that’s just fucking stupid.
Filed under: annoying, lame, stupid, tv | Tags: bad, humor, images, lame, lie, lie to me, tv
OK, I’ll lie. Your show looks good.
Filed under: annoying, celebrities, gross | Tags: awful, celebrities, fake, humor, paparazzi, tmz
I saw this business card in a local restaurant this past weekend, and I actually got physically upset. Nauseous. If I wasn’t such a cheap slob, I might have considered throwing up my food. But that omlette I just ate was $12 freakin bucks, and there was no way that was happening.
“My own personal paparazzi”? What?? I was disgusted. Not only did some shmuck have the balls to think that a fake paparazzi business was a good idea, but the fact that there might be a market for such filth made me sick. Stupid little skinny brats that want to pretend like their celebrities. Hey, skank-face, you know that cottage cheese on your ass? That’s what they’d actually be taking pictures of, not you cutting your Ferrari cake.
But then I had a revelation. Maybe this isn’t such a bad idea. So I booked them for my next birthday party. And as soon as they run up with their cameras flashing, I’m gonna scream, “Get the fuck out of my face, asshole!” And proceed to beat the shit out of them with my umbrella. Maybe even run over a couple of them with my Subaru SLK-Class Hatchback. So if you see this happening, don’t worry, it’s all “fake”.
Filed under: clothes, funny, what? | Tags: dollar palace, dumb, humor, shopping, walmart, what the fuck
I hate dressing up in sweat pants and a beater to go to Wal-Mart. Dollar Palace let’s me do it right. A sock and nipple tassels…that’s the only way to shop.
Filed under: amatuer, fast food, humor, stupid | Tags: bad idea, humor, poop, road trip, taco bell
There’s not much else to say on this one except: don’t do it. For god’s sakes, learn from my mistake. You wouldn’t take Super Colon Blow right before you give a presentation to your boss, would you? I hope not (unless it’s a presentation on “How to Shit Your Pants Abruptly”, then please do).
So if you’re on a road trip, stay away from that instant doodycake cocktail known as Taco Bell. Cuz Fourth Meal is not nearly as much fun as Fourth BM.
Filed under: food, humor, what? | Tags: chinese, food, fortune cookie, humor, what the fuck
This is probably the first fortune cookie I’ve ever gotten actually written by a Chinese person. And as usual, I have no idea what the hell they’re talking about.
If there are paper towels called “Awesome!”, how could anyone in their right mind buy anything else?
Filed under: chicks, humor, internet, porn, sex | Tags: ass, chicks, humor, porn, sex, slap
I mean, I know porn isn’t accurate. Obviously. I’ve had a lot of plumbing issues, pizza deliveries, and nurse visits, and not once has any woman offered to have sex with me. Personally, I think it’s rude, but I’m learning to accept it.
But there is one discrepancy in particular that I find problematic in porn, and that is: Why does every single girl in porn like getting their ass slapped? It’s ridiculous. The real ass-slap-to-positive-reaction ratio is probably like 8:1 in real life.
For once I’d like to see a guy slap the girl’s ass — and see the girl stop what she’s doing, slap the guy in the face, and leave. Maybe even punch him in the dick before she leaves. At least that’s my experience with it.
Filed under: diet, fast food, fat, food, gross, humor, stupid | Tags: atkins, del taco, diet, fat, gross, humor, no carb, taco bell
A friend of mine is on the “no carbs” diet — not a bad idea if you want to starve yourself of the most delicious foods in the world, loose ten pounds, then gain it right back when you stop dieting. It’s like Anorexia Light — only starve yourself just a little bit — and why not?
But I have to admit I was more than a little disturbed when we went to Taco Bell and he proceeded to empty multiple 50-cent tacos into a bowl. Yes, he actually scraped the meat off of the tortilla into his bowl of what looked like dog food (with cheese on top).
I’m sorry, but this is re-goddamn-diculous. Either go on a diet and don’t eat Taco Bell, or eat the freakin’ things as they come. The only thing that even makes Taco Bell edible is the fact that they hide whatever cat meat’s inside with a warm tortilla. It’s there for a reason. So I don’t have to see the gross-ness of what I’m eating.
Ugh. The thought of that doody bowl sends shivers down my spine. But I find solace in knowing that the carbs I ate created a psuedo-force field in my stomach against the Taco Bell. Unfortunately for my no-carb companion, he spent the next two hours peeing out of his butt.
That’s what you get.
